


When I Think of Letting Go

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-10-07
Updated: 2006-10-07
Packaged: 2019-05-31 07:49:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15114938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: "Oh c'mon, if you had to choose between me and, I don't know, Nick Lachey, who would you pick?"





	When I Think of Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

“Oh God, oh God, Hogan, oh God!”

“Josh!”

He thrust harder and the sweat caused a friction that ran through them like an electrical current. Hogan grabbed the sheets, climaxing, and Josh was not far behind. He collapsed on top of her for a few minutes before gathering strength and falling on the bed. Lacuna Coil played on low in the CD player; Josh was coming to regard this as very good sex music. They were both breathing hard and Hogan stroked his back.

“You're so good sweetie.” He panted. “I feel like the king do the world.”

She was quiet, her fingers working their way over his perspiring skin.

“Hogan?” he opened his eyes. “Are you OK?”

“I got the fellowship.”

“You…”

“I leave for Oxford on September 10th.”

“What? How long have you known about this?”

“I got the acceptance letter on Tuesday.”

“Its Friday!” Josh exclaimed, sitting up. “When were you going to tell me?”

“I was trying to find a way; the right time.”

“The right time! You did fine a few minutes ago!”

“Stop shouting at me!”

She got out of bed, not bothering to conceal her nudity. Hogan never cared about that sort of thing.

“I cannot believe you are really going to do this.” Josh muttered.

“What Josh? You can't believe I am going to further my education.”

“You never cared about furthering your education until we started having problems. We’re fine…you don’t have to run away now.”

“You're accusing me of running away and you think we’re fine. Josh, this fellowship is important.”

“To whom? I've known you a long time and you did not once express an interest in it.”

“Get the hell out of my house! Put your clothes on and get the hell out!”

“You're doing it again, this pushing me away and running.”

“I don’t live for you Josh; I am not here strictly for your enjoyment. I am taking this fellowship for me. I need this time for me. If you don’t understand that then we have nothing to talk about.”

The room was silent again. Josh was breathing hard but felt as if he got no air. He could not believe she was really going through with this…their relationship was back on track. How the hell would it survive nine months with an ocean between them?

“I'm taking a shower. I want you gone when I get back.”

“Hogan…”

She went into the bathroom, slamming the door. Josh cursed and punched the mattress. Tonight was not supposed to end like this. He got dressed and went home; he did not want to stay and have a screaming match.

***

“I was under the impression that this fellowship was cause to celebrate.”

“I'm sorry.”

Hogan turned off her IPod and looked at her aunt. She was trying to eat a quiet lunch at her desk. She needed to listen to Concrete Blonde and figure out what she was going to do next. It had been a day and a half since the fight with Josh; he had yet to apologize. Still, if that was the only reason she started the fight Hogan was getting what she deserved. It was ridiculous to play games with people’s emotions in hopes of getting the desired effect. Dammit, she didn’t want Josh’s apology…she wanted him to understand.

“What's on your mind Hogan?” CJ asked. “Do you need to talk?”

“You are the Second Lady of the United States. I'm sure you have something better to do then listen to me complain.”

“Family comes first for me. They are my something better to do. What's the matter?”

Hogan clamped down on her bottom lip. All she wanted to do was tell her beloved aunt everything. She wanted to know if her love was worth fighting for or if it had never been more than a passing fancy. She loved Josh Lyman since he was the cocky Deputy Chief of Staff. Did that mean there was really a future for them? Hogan was young, didn’t that mean she should be exploring all sides of herself, including her single, sexual side.

“Oxford is really far.” She said. “There are people here I love very much and don’t want to leave.”

“Sweetie, we will all be here when you get back.” CJ sat on the edge of her desk. “The people who love you will support your decisions.”

“It may not be easy for some people to wait nine months.”

“Oh. I see.”

CJ always suspected she was in a relationship, but never asked. Hogan was a grownup and if she wanted to share, she would have. It would be awful to lose her love in the pursuit of her education, but sometimes things did not go as planned. The Second Lady wondered for a moment who he was…Josh flew into her mind for a split second. CJ shuddered and shook it off. That had just been a crush; she prayed that had just been a crush.

“CJ, I applied for the fellowship during a rough patch.”

“Now you’ve passed it and you're trying to decide if you wanted to really study Tudor England or run away from some problems.”

“Something like that.”

“I can say this much to you Hogan. You are young and there is a lot of life left for you to experience. This Oxford opportunity is a once in a lifetime thing. If even part of you wants it, take it. Problems are a lifelong difficulty; they're not going anywhere.”

She nodded but didn’t feel better.

“Why the hell is everything so hard?” she asked.

“Sometimes we make it that way for ourselves. I only say that from experience. We feel if it’s not a hurdle to cross, it is not worth having. Think about you Hogan, and I don’t mean in a selfish way. Weigh going, weigh staying, and make a decision. If this person loves you, they want the best for you.”

“What if the best is staying?”

“Then you will know. I'm here if you want to talk.”

Hogan had six weeks to make a decision. Six weeks and the entire course of her life would change.

“I really want to study the Tudors.” She said it more to herself.

“Then go. Finish up your lunch now…we have meetings this afternoon.”

“Yeah.”

***

For the next week, Josh and Hogan did not speak. The countless emails, text messages and voicemails he sent went unanswered. On Thursday, she finally responded to him, begging for room to breathe. This pressure did not help her come to a decision any faster. The days ticked by and Hogan was no closer to knowing anything than the week before.

A rainstorm rolled through on Friday and Hogan found herself at Josh’s door. One of the neighbors recognized her and held the door. Hogan helped the woman with her toddler and her groceries before going up the stairs to his condo. She did not know how long she stood outside the door but she had to do something. Her first knock was tentative; she was sure he wouldn’t hear it. Hogan gathered her courage and knocked again.

Josh opened the door and seemed surprised to see her.

“Hi.” He said.

“Hey.”

There was more silence as they did everything but look at each other.

“I thought we could talk.” She said.

“Have you had your share of space?”

“I just want to talk.”

“Well, come in.”

“Not here.”

“Where? Are you thinking of chatting in the hallway?”

“I thought we could go to Cosi down the block. It might be more comfortable for both of us.”

“Its raining and I had a hell of a day. If you don’t want to talk here, then you don’t want to talk.”

Josh went to close the door and Hogan held her arm out. She walked into his place.

“I want to say I wasn’t avoiding you lately to be mean.”

“Really?”

“Josh, can we please just talk.”

“You're talking.”

He sighed, flopping down in a chair. He waved his hand for Hogan to do the same but she preferred to stand.

“When Dr. Griffin called and told me she submitted my paperwork, I thought it was a good idea. You and I seemed to be circling the drain…I just wanted to go away. Then things got better and I let myself forget about it. I really didn’t think they would choose me …there are nearly 1000 candidates for 50 spots. This was not supposed to happen.”

“So you're not going?”

“I don’t know. It happened Josh; I got a coveted fellowship. This may be the greatest opportunity of my life. All my life I have been a history nerd. Yeah, I may have been trapped in a popular girl’s body, but I just wanted to study Elizabeth I. When I was younger I always dreamed of walking in her footsteps and now I have the chance.”

“What about us?” Josh asked.

“You're going to be here when I get back right?”

“I don’t know.” He shook his head.

“You don’t know. Is there something else you would rather do?”

“Lets be realistic Hogan. You're going to be gone nine months, and God forbid it turns out to be your dream come true. You may never come home.”

“You can't keep your dick in your pants for nine months? Jesus Christ.”

“Hey! That’s not what I'm saying and that offends me. I would never cheat on you, that is not what this is about.”

“Tell me what it is about.”

Josh wanted the same courtesy he gave her, to speak uninterrupted. Hogan said nothing and he went on.

“You're a beautiful 24 year old girl living out her dream. Over there you will meet people who love all the things you do. Some of them will be men. Guys your age who are traveling on the same journey. They will be attractive, witty, and able to give you all the attention you need, crave and deserve. What right do I have to ask for your devotion?”

“You have every right as my boyfriend.” She replied. “Would we be having this conversation if you were 25? I am not going to Oxford to party and meet men.”

“We need to be realistic.” Josh could barely hide his frustration.

What was so unrealistic about loving each other with 5000 miles between them? There were thousands of men right here in DC if that was all she wanted…she knew plenty of them. She loved Josh, more than she ever loved anyone, and that scared her to death. Letting go and enveloping the feeling would only lead to a hurt from which she would never recover. It had already happened on a smaller scale more than once; they were always hurting each other.

“You want reality? I love you so much and that is real Josh. I don’t love me though…I barely know me. I need to do this. Once I'm better, we can be better.”

“In theory.” He said.

“The whole world is theory.” She threw up her arms. “I don’t know what else to say. I cannot give up this chance; I won't. Whatever it was born of it is here now and I am seizing it.”

“We won't make it.”

“You're not even going to try. What is the point of my staying here and holding on if we are just going to implode anyway? Is the only way to make it for us to be under each other all the time? That’s not a relationship, that is a dependency. You don’t have a damn bit of faith in us.”

“You have no idea what I am feeling right now.” 

“I'm standing here. Tell me.”

“To hell with it. Just go to Oxford Hogan. Go, and live the life you want to live. I am not going to hold you back…I have been making an ass of myself for too long. Its time to stop.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

Josh stood, walking over to the door. He opened it and really looked at her.

“I just want you to leave now.”

Hogan was speechless. They had their share of ups and downs over the years but he had never once kicked her out. If felt like the time Lucinda beaned her in the head with a football, times ten. She could not stop the rush of tears. Seeing her cry nearly made Josh double over in pain.

“Josh, don’t do this. I want to stay; I want to talk.”

“There is nothing left to talk about. We cannot keep doing this to each other.”

“Doing what?” she sobbed.

“The roller coaster, the merry-go-round. If you won't face it then I will. Go home.”

She looked at him once more and rushed out the door. Josh closed it, holding strong for a few moments before losing it.

***

“Of course I don’t mind you stopping by. Zoey left me unattended for the week; she went to Manchester. I just got back from church a half hour ago. This beats going for a run. Do you want a sandwich?”

“Yeah.”

Josh walked back into Charlie and Zoey’s kitchen. They had a quaint Georgia style house in Glover Park…a wedding gift from the in-laws. Zoey planted roses in the back and Charlie had a study for the first time in his life. The Youngs seemed the embodiment of yuppie satisfaction.

“Does that work?” Josh asked.

“What's that?”

“Church?”

“Most of the time.” He studied his longtime friend. “What's going on with you? Your eyes are bloodshot…how long have you been chugging Red Bull?”

“Hogan is going to Oxford in a few weeks.” Josh plopped down on a stool.

“Leo told me. He and CJ are so proud.” He handed Josh a beer. “You would think she was their kid the way they brag about her.”

“She practically is. It’s over for us Charlie.”

He watched as Charlie pulled out sandwich fixings. He even had the mustard Josh liked. Maybe Zoey had been right when she said Josh spent too much time there…Charlie didn’t even like mustard.

“Tell me about it.” Charlie said.

“About what?”

“Why is it over? Did Hogan break it off?”

“No, no, it didn’t go like that. C’mon Charlie, be realistic. Like we were really going to make it with a continent between us. We can barely wade through all this shit in Washington.”

“Mmm hmm.”

“She signed on for this to run away from me, so let her run. What am I supposed to do about it?”

“How long have I known you now, about 10 years?”

“Yeah.”

“That is the dumbest thing you have ever said and that is saying something. Do you want turkey or roast beef?”

“Roast beef. Make your point.”

“I already did…you are an idiot sometimes. Don’t worry; you don’t hold the market on it or anything. How do you feel when Hogan isn’t here?”

“Alone. We have problems but she always makes me feel good. And I don’t have to be that Josh Lyman, you know. It’s not the day-to-day Charlie, that stuff is fine. Every so often this impenetrable wall jumps in front of us. Sometimes it jumps between us.”

“So this was your last straw?” Charlie asked.

That was it, the last straw. He was a busy, rather important man. He had enough to deal with at work. Josh needed stability at home. He needed a haven. If he did not have that then he would crumble.

“What would be the worse thing about Hogan going?”

“Charlie, she is going to be around all these men. I mean, not just the guys she goes to school with. All kinds of guys will be there. Guys with feathery haircuts and cute British accents. With tight abs, tight asses, who they play bass in rock bands. They’ll stay up all night and take her to places she thinks are cool. Pubs, clubs, and museums. Everything she says to them will be perceived as clever. Some of them may be rich from well-connected families. Her Uncle is the Vice-President…people will want to get close to her. Remember how many people Zoey beat off?”

“So are you worried about Hogan or the hangers-on? Cuz if you want to keep it real, as you seem to want to do, all those people are right here too. There are about eight major universities in this town; let’s not even talk about all the people her age running around the Hill. It is a virtual buffet of ass and adventure.”

“Yeah, I know. But do you really think she would do that right under my nose?”

“You did once. You're talking in circles because you don’t know what the hell to do. If you don’t trust her then this might be the best decision. But if this is because you think some hotter guy is going to beat you out then its stupid.”

“Oh c’mon, if you had to choose between me and I don’t know, Nick Lachey, who would you pick?”

“Me? Oh Nick Lachey for sure, but that is only because we would drive each other insane. And his smile, I love Nick’s smile.”

“I'm being serious.”

Charlie laughed, punching Josh’s arm.

“That girl loves you. Just four months ago you were ready to tear your damn heart out when you thought otherwise. You said it was your last chance and you are just going to throw it away.”

Josh took a deep breath and finished his beer. Charlie handed him another as he started his sandwich.

“She can do better than me.” he muttered.

“You’ve got to be kidding me? Is that what you're worried about?”

“What do I have to offer her? I am a 46-year-old workaholic with PTSD. I'm out of shape and not much fun. My hours are ridiculous and I am by no means rich.”

“And she still loves you. Hogan is the one who deserves to make the choice. And I hope you don’t think you're poor cuz we can take a little drive and I will show you what poor is. Your shape is also fine.”

Josh did not want her loyalty or some misguided love. She would stay to avoid hurting him, or dealing with any extra drama before her trip. Then she would get to Oxford and screw everything moving. Josh Lyman and life in DC would not exist. Worse than that, he might be on the receiving end of one of those emails. Dear Josh, I love you but…

“You're not being fair.” Charlie said in a matter of face tone.

“I don’t care. You can't act as if this isn’t killing me too Charlie. It is, for real. Being proactive is going to be better for everyone in the end.”

“I don’t know why you came here if you are not even going to be open to the idea of changing your mind.”

“Where else can I get a sandwich and beer for free?”

***

Hogan lit her fourth cigarette and studied the empty bottle of Arbor Mist on her coffee table. She was drunk now, but there was still a full glass left to drink, and she would. Keyshia Cole sang of troubled love on the CD player and she let the tears go freely. Kate, Emma and Terrence called to go out but Hogan was in no mood. She was distracted, exhausted and heartbroken. It had been three days since Josh kicked her out of his condo and his life. Emotional tailspin didn’t even begin to describe how she felt.

How much had she taken this whole relationship for granted? Josh loved her and she just believed he would always be there. As much as she cared, he had to care more for her to maintain control. When had she lost control? Oh hell, who was she kidding? This was love and not one of her childhood games. This was her heart and it was crumbling to pieces.

For over two years she loved Josh Lyman; probably longer than that. Three weeks before he left to run Santos for President they had the opportunity for a pretzel lunch. They discussed the upcoming battle between the Vice-President and his predecessor for the Democratic nomination. Josh told her he had been approached by Hoynes to run his campaign. It was one of those winter afternoons where the weather broke long enough to sit outside and not have all your fingers fall off.

She realized that day she could listen to him talk forever…and Josh Lyman would not disappoint. Damn near everything he said, all his political stories fascinated her. The crazy thing was that he seemed just as intrigued by what she contributed to the conversation. Hogan could not help but be attracted to that. He did not look at her as a dumb kid, a piece of ass, or some status symbol. She was just Hogan and she made him laugh. He hatched one of his infamous plans to get her attention…how could you not fall in the love with the guy?

His free time was precious and limited; Josh only wanted to spend it with her. It was hard only to have each other during vampire hours but that was partially Hogan’s fault too. She was so afraid of how her family would react to the relationship. She did not want to lose anyone else. If CJ and Leo did not approve, or wanted to make waves, Hogan wasn’t sure if she could stand up to the barrage. None of it mattered anymore.

She grabbed her cell phone and looked through the address book. Scanning the many names, she wondered how many of these people would really be there for her. Who would drop everything and sit through The Sound of Music when she was feeling blue? The phone started to ring, causing her to jump.

“Hello.”

“Hogan, its Lily, are you OK?”

She and Lily had been friends since they pledged Sigma Sigma Sigma together their sophomore year of college. The Richmond native moved to DC to take a job with the Library of Congress after graduation. Hogan knew she could count Lily among her real friends.

“I'm on my way to bed.”

“You sound plastered. Are you going to work tomorrow?”

“I can't let this tear me apart. I will be OK. Well, tomorrow I will be hung over. You want to go to dinner on Wednesday?”

“Sure. Zola at 8:30?”

“That sounds good. Just us OK, I don’t know if I am ready for a public appearance.”

“Yeah. I’ll see you then. Get some sleep sweetie.”

“Goodnight.”

Hogan turned her phone off before flipping it closed. She drank the last glass of wine like soda and turned off the music. Sitting here all night in a drunken stupor was not going to bring Josh back…it looked as if nothing was going to do that.

***

It had been a pretty good day at the office. Hogan always laughed when people called the White House the office, like it was a law firm or an insurance agency. The rain finally slacked and the sun peaked through the clouds for the first time in a week. Hogan pulled out her favorite blue sundress for the occasion, the one Josh said always brought out her eyes. She saw him this afternoon, when she went down to the cafeteria to buy a smoothie. Hogan thought she went unnoticed or at least hoped she did. It didn’t matter anyway.

Now it was quarter to eight and she sat in Zola waiting for Lily. She knew her friend well enough to know she would be at least 15 minutes late…some things never changed. So she nursed a midori sour, smoked a cigarette and figured she would go through the Oxford course listings when she got back to her place. Her packet arrived yesterday, reinvigorating her excitement about the trip.

“Why would a pretty thing like you ever eat alone?”

“I'm not, I'm…”

She could not get the rest of the words out of her mouth. Josh stood in front of her wearing her favorite gray suit. He had not been wearing that this afternoon.

“What are you doing here?”

“Lily got wrapped up with some um, pressing library stuff. She called me and I am here in her stead.”

“I am going to fucking kill her.” Hogan muttered.

She offered Josh the empty chair. He was embarrassing her just standing there. The server arrived; they ordered dinner, Hogan wanted a refill and Josh asked for a beer. Small talk seemed silly after the past two weeks. The White House Chief of Staff opened his mouth to say several things but they all sounded ridiculous so he couldn’t. Once his beer was served, Josh sipped on it. Hogan picked at the tablecloth and thought of the most torturous ways to murder Lily.

“I love your dress.” He finally said.

“Thank you. Look, I left some stuff at your place and I need it for my trip.”

“Whatever you need, come and get it.”

Hogan nodded, but said nothing else.

“Do you eat here often?” Josh asked. “I haven’t been here in a long time.”

“I like it, though I would not call myself a regular. Restaurants pop up around here like pretzel vendors…this is a staple.”

He nodded.

“Hey, I couldn’t sleep Sunday night and I found The Omen II on cable. I was surprised how good it was even without you whispering everything that was going to happen in my ear.”

“If you didn’t want me to do that, you could’ve said stop.”

“Are you kidding? That was the best part.”

“I thought Lee Grant was the best part.”

“No, I have a thing for Lee Remick, not Lee Grant.”

“Hmm.”

They were quiet again as dinner was served. Hogan figured she would just eat and not talk at all.

“Can I say something?” Josh asked.

“According to the first amendment you most certainly can.”

“I have been a monumental ass for the past couple of weeks. I thought I was doing the right thing Hogan, I really did. Sparing us some inevitable heartache or whatever. I was wrong.”

“God, I want to carry the banner Lyman. I want to spout how much you hurt me and make you crawl on your knees, begging for my forgiveness. But just a few months ago I did the same thing to you. You forgave me unquestionably.”

“Because I love you and we will have hurdles. Pretty big ones.”

“An ocean is never going to change how I feel about you. Nothing will.”

“How do you know?” he could barely ask.

“Josh, I have loved you since Bartlet was President. I thought it was a dumb girlish crush, but when you dropped everything to come to my grandfather’s funeral, I knew. Never did I think we would be here…that I would have this opportunity. Its just one of many opportunities I need to act on.”

“There is so much out there for you Hogan.”

“Yeah, and I want to grab it, taste it, and savor it. Wherever we can't be together, I will call you as much as I can and tell you all about it. Just like you call me from the road.”

Josh smiled, reaching across the table and stroking her hand. She had the softest skin he ever felt. The thought of never feeling it again was excruciating.

“Are you really positive we have a future?” she asked.

“No. I don’t know a thing about the future and if someone gave me the chance to find out, I would decline. For the first time in my life I am enjoying the day to day. I want to keep doing that. Forgive me if that sounds flippant.”

“It sounds real.” He replied. “My whole job, my life, is always about what is going to happen tomorrow. That is going to be hard to stop.”

“I’ll help.”

She smiled and finished her dinner. The rest of the conversation was topical. Hogan talked about her packet; Josh about the Democrats picking up steam in several crucial districts. They were poised to take back the House in the midterm elections.

“I also have some good news.” He said.

“What?”

“In two weeks Jenny Lewis is coming to town. I have tickets.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah. I was going to use them as leverage to get you back. I know she is solo now but she has gotta be singing Rilo Kiley songs.”

“I would think. Wow Josh.”

“I figure I would kick off work early and we would make a night of it. It could be the last big thing we do before you go.”

“Kick off work early? You think that is possible during the midterms? Who’s to say you will even be in town?”

“I will be here, and we will be together. Don’t worry sweetie. I'm thinking you want dessert.”

“When don’t I?”

***

“God, I love being with you like this.”

They were naked in her bed and Josh held her close to him, kissing her and stroking her body.

“Only like this?” she asked.

“No, I always love being with you. I missed you so much. I missed your laugh, your warmth, the way your skin tastes. I missed knowing you were close; the feel of your arms around me.”

“It was hardly two weeks.”

“It felt like a lifetime. What will nine months feel like?”

Hogan sighed, tracing the scars on his chest.

“Forever.” She replied. “But there are other ways for us to be close.”

“How?” Josh was pouting.

“Phone calls, emails; you better come and visit me at least once.”

Josh kissed her passionately, running his fingers through her hair. She reached under the covers and caressed him.

“Oh, I love when you touch me.”

“There is going to be a lot of touching over the next few weeks.”

They did not make love…there was time for that. They just wanted to be close and relish what had almost been lost.

“I love you Joshua.”

“I love you too.”

She fell asleep in his arms and Josh hoped he could do this. Right now it seemed impossible. Hogan had to go away so she could grow, and they could grow as a couple. He would have to take some deep breaths and be a man about it. With the chaos of his job nine months would be gone in the blink of an eye. Even if it felt like a millennia, Josh knew he was not giving her up again. This was it for him and as he surrendered to sleep he knew Hogan felt the same. The obstacles, and there would probably be many, would only strengthen them.

***


End file.
